Deconstructing Harmful Core Beliefs After Decades of Church Indoctrination

(And The Magic Mantra I Used to Unlearn the "Sinner" Mindset)

It has become too painful to be present in my life. I check out all the time. I use quick dopamine hits to suppress my emotions: mainly sugary drinks, binge eating, and doom-scrolling. I don’t know when it started to become impossible to be in the moment. I wonder if my trauma from an abusive relationship and upbringing has done more damage than I think.

I’ve placated myself with self growth practices and decided I am healed, and yet I dissociate most of the day. I used to meditate for an hour, working through Dispenza’s meditation practice from his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.

Now I can’t sit still for five minutes. I need a podcast or a book or music, something, anything, to disrupt the thoughts that threaten to eat me alive.

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I got a peek into my head from another person’s perspective at my last hypnotherapy appointment. She asked me what I was thinking as she laid a singing bowl on my body, and I related the usual lines from the self-critical voice insisting I can do better. That’s why I became addicted to self-development books, this insistence that I always have something to improve upon. It’s like a riddle that is my life’s mission to solve.

And yet, the answer is unsolvable. I keep striving for perfection, and it eludes me. She said, “That sounds exhausting.” And I cried, realizing how right she was. It is exhausting to feel like you are never enough.

It’s not surprising I would have this belief however, as I was raised in the evangelical church, with the prominent idea that I am a sinner and need a savior to make me whole again. In other words, I need something outside of myself, as I am not good enough alone.

I left the church eight years ago, and yet, the indoctrination runs deep, especially since I was taught all this as a child and never felt I had reason to question the adults around me. I let the sinner doctrine go years ago, and yet it still affects my thoughts to this day.

I have been in the depths of a depression for the last few months, during the time that my husband took on another job and all the household responsibilities (including childcare) fell on to me. As I was the one spending most of the time at home, the duties of our house fell upon me, and no matter how much effort I put into keeping up on chores, I could not keep the house organized or clean. I was drowning. I started to check out and dissociate more, and the drowning got worse. Eventually I went on an unplanned strike. I just gave up. No matter what I do, I’m behind. No matter how hard I try, people judge. So what is the point of trying?

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I felt I could never measure up. I am a projector in human design and need more rest than other people. This knowledge has helped me give myself grace, but it doesn’t protect me from the blow of other people’s judgments when I don’t measure up to their standards, mainly when it comes to household upkeep. I don’t think I was made to be a traditional stay-at-home mom, and yet I love my kids and want to be home with them.

I bought frozen meals to make life easier. Meal planning took effort, and there was no effort in my internal repository. No motivation. I continued to drown. The dishes were done, and the laundry sat on the couch unfolded for weeks at a time. I gave up on mopping and eventually sweeping. The kids would “help” me and make more work.

I can only congratulate myself for staying calm with the kids, most of the time. Occasionally, I would lose it, screaming “I hate my life!” I couldn’t shake the thought that for most of my life, I wasn’t stuck in a home, drowning in responsibility, my freedom completely dependent on people two to three feet tall.

I was resentful of my husband. He was gone all day, six days a week and still had his soccer league to look forward to on Sundays. I had no activities of my own. I had quit volleyball the year before, and I gave up choir for his second job. So I started drinking sugary drinks every day to bring up my moods, doubling my daily caffeine intake within a few months, popping half an edible here and there. I went to bed later and woke up later, which didn’t help my moods.

I still find myself stuck in this cycle. But what has helped me make a few changes was what my hypnotherapist said next, “What if you’re perfect just the way you are?” Immediate pushback. Yeah, right. Perfect now? With all my royal fuck-ups? With me screaming at my daughter who is innocent while raging internally at her dad? No, I do need to change. I am far from perfect.

She asked me to sit with that idea for a moment, even if I didn’t fully believe it. So I did. I told myself a few times: I am perfect, just the way I am. I am perfect. Right here, right now. I am perfect.

We worked through more in that two-hour sound healing/therapy session, but that moment seeped into my life in a beautiful way. I’ve known shame is a terrible motivator for the last year. I read How to Keep House While Drowning, after all. I know that calling yourself gross and disgusting to clean doesn’t help. The goal is functionality, not perfection. And yet, I was still motivating from a place of guilt and shame. That’s what I was taught in the church. It’s been instilled in me for decades.

But I started to hear that thought disrupting my critiques. “You’re perfect the way you are.” My new mantra. I would berate myself for not connecting enough with my daughter, not being fully present. And hear that correction. And little by little, I started to forgive myself for my fuck-ups, and then I found the space to change.

I have been making small habit changes, little improvements so I feel better about my interactions and my house and my health and my marriage. And it’s been healing. Those self-help books may have given me all the knowledge I need to be better but without disrupting that core belief that was preventing me from changing, I was spiraling farther and farther into my unhealthy habits due to the harshness of my inner critic.

I couldn’t find the power within me to change because I didn’t have the self-love and understanding towards myself. The thoughts on my weak spots were keeping me stuck in them.

I am not saying I will let myself get away with murder. I don’t think that calling myself perfect keeps me stuck, quite the opposite. I am reparenting myself. Rather than yelling at myself to change, I am giving myself the encouragement to do so.

I’ve been unhappy with myself for not writing. So I finally deleted TikTok, which has been fun for me but a distraction from the work I really care about, and I don’t plan on keeping up much of a social media presence for the foreseeable future, only on Substack. I just put my phone in a lockbox for an hour and wrote over 1500 words, the words you are now reading.

And I deleted my convenient mobile-order coffee shop apps to make ordering less accessible. I still went to Starbucks today. I ordered a drink with less calories and paid in cash, rather than using digital currency. Baby steps.

I am cheerleading myself for small changes, as quitting cold turkey hasn’t been working long-term for me. I’ve been unhappy with my body, as I’ve gained weight from overeating, being sedentary often, and drinking all my calories (with loads of sugar). I wanted to get back into exercising but would start raging at the Christian personal trainer my sister recommended as she has progressively included more of her beliefs into her workout videos. As a deconstructed Christian, I can no longer listen in comfort, and I don’t want my kids overhearing these harmful teachings.

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So I dropped my kids off at the gym daycare one day, heading to the hot tub like usual to read my book, and instead held my breath and walked in terrified to a Zumba class, and it was wonderful. I went to yoga two days later and felt my energy surge. I’ve also been going to Strong Vinyasa on Wednesday mornings and plan to add in Yin Yoga classes for the next few weeks and taper off of sugar by checking my drink labels and going to coffee shops less.

I can blame the church for many of my harmful core beliefs. . But I know other people will find the same mindset in popular New Age teachings, that we can will ourselves to change through dedication and willpower. But if we don’t find the core beliefs that are making that change difficult, it doesn’t stick. Ultimately this is what finally worked for me, repeating I am perfect and fully surrendering to my intuition, so I can begin to live in presence. And I congratulate myself when I bring myself back to the moment, to “the Now,” rather than chastising myself for the time I was in autopilot.

And ironically, this is the grace Jesus spoke of, allowing myself to be me, knowing I am perfect, however I show up for each moment. It is the Middle Way of Buddhism, the way of the Boddhisatva. I allow myself to live while enjoying life’s comforts, while also living well and choosing healthy habits for my best quality of life: never fully nun, never fully “sinner.” By giving myself grace, I calm my mind and transform it, ultimately finding the strength I needed, that was a part of me all along.